September 27, 2005

Heads up

Take some time to review the grand jury report on the systematic sexual abuse of children in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia (if you can stand repeated descriptions of little boys being sodomized). For parents it's a helpful guide to the tactics of abusers.

To quote our local DRE, who doesn't let her pre-teen girls sleep over with friends, "You never know what goes on behind that pretty white picket fence."

Considering the ubiquity of internet porn nowadays, everyone is suspect. If your kids are going to be alone with a person (adult or child), take some time first to consider everything you know and sense about that person, and remember:

Posted by Bill White at 3:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 25, 2004

Employment ministry

A trusted friend passed this along to a homeschooling list: St. Joseph the Worker Employment Ministry. I haven't even had time to skim the site yet (hungry tummies await supper), but it may prove interesting and helpful.

Posted by Bill White at 7:25 PM | TrackBack

May 23, 2004

Teach your children well

I recently commented on the Family Bed posting

I concluded: I believe that by "letting" the children join us in bed when they needed to, they learned that they can "come to us" when they need to. They have done that. Each in their own individual way.

I believe that we have to teach our children the skill and judgment to trust us. By learning to trust us, they learn to trust God. (No, I am not equating myself as a parent with God!) They find it easier to take the step of trusting in things they have not yet learned to understand.

It is neither simple nor easy to be a parent. Our children do learn from the examples that they see. Our behaviors are the first examples that they will see. They will see both our good and bad behaviors. I know that first hand! Other examples will pull at them: The behaviors of others at school, in the neighborhood, of a relative, or the constant babble of the TV and Radio. I experienced that when my children are certain ages I am "stupid or Out of it". I can recollect how much smarter my parents became as I aged from 16 to 23. I still did not realize how STUPID I would become to my children. But, following my own parents' good example, I remained "Stupid". Sufficient to the day are the graces we are given. It became an incentive to pray. At some points, count to ten became ten Our Fathers.

Most of our children were raised in Los Angeles. (working class suburb) They were raised with a reasonable distrust of those around them. The usual admonitions about "Don't talk to strangers" were given. One (now adult) daughter used to scare the dickens out of us. She would walk up to strangers. We said many prayers that she be guided and guarded. We discovered over time that she was more discriminating than it appeared. We had to learn to trust her (and trust God).

Another thing that they have to learn is forgiveness. They can learn it by experiencing it from us and seeing it between us. By "us" I mean their parents. I can be harsh. Some behaviors will have consequences. Limits, rules, expectations were (and are...) all a part of my expectations. I don't think that, as a Father, I'm unusual in these expectations or occasionally harsh behaviors.

The most difficult part to being a Good Father is making sure that my expectations are reasonable.

I had to learn to say to my children (individually and personally). "I was a little harsh in how I reacted to what you did. I do love you. Please forgive my overreaction. " I do begin this with talking with them to make sure that they recognize the nature of their mis-behavior. But I make sure that they understand that I over reacted also. I have learned that I DO NOT have to be perfect for my children.

Teach them early that when they have squabbled or fought or been nasty to each other, they are to ask each other for forgiveness. Try to teach them empathy for the hurt the other feels. Teach them early. Will they grow out of it? They might. But it easier to teach them when they are young.

I'm still striving to meet a bit of wise advice I was given for those times when Alicia & I argue. "If in the midst of an argument with your spouse, you suddenly discover you are RIGHT, Apologize immediately!" The children have seen and understand that Alicia and I not only argue but ask each other's forgiveness. They also know that we pray with and for each other.

I have the lyric of a Marie Belet song "IF Only" running through my mind as I write this. I pray for what God knows is Best for Alicia, not what would be better for me "If Only". It is not always easy. It is what I am called to do.

I hope to take the "talents" that God has given me (spouse and children) and return them to him nurtured and grown. I may ignore them occasionally. Prune them too vigorously. Overwater them. With his grace, they will grow and flower. I praise God for those who have nurtured me.

Posted by John Huntley at 10:03 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 16, 2004

I love the Family Bed

Our daughter is on the verge of her first birthday, and we're heavily debating how much longer we'll continue to keep a family bed. Beyond it's inherent benefit to natural child spacing, I love nothing other than sleeping with my daughter and wife, the two girls I love the most. Of course, this bliss must end some day and Evelyn must start to sleep in her own bed in order to "make way" for the next installment to the Franklin Clan. Surprisingly for me, there are many Evangelical Christians and even Catholics who frown on such sleeping arrangements. They say it inherently infringes on the marital privacy of a married couple. I for one, don't see this, as there are other ways to make such arrangements. Either way, I'm going to struggle putting the little one down in her own room, away from my arms.

Posted by Jayson Franklin at 10:04 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

May 13, 2004

What to do?

It’s been three years now since my son, Gregory, was first eligible to become an altar server in our parish. But he continues to decline all of Fr Langan’s invitations to do so. It really has me bewildered. After all, I was an altar server in my youth. Greg’s older brother was an altar server until he turned 19. But Greg has remained steadfast in his refusal. The story of Lucifer’s non serviam doesn’t faze him. The prospect of breaking our little family tradition doesn’t bother him. Even my little encouragement-to-be-self-giving chat with him after First Friday benediction last week, at which Father L had no altar server to assist him, left Greg unmoved. I don’t pester him about it. About once every month or two, I put out a little feeler. And every few months after Mass Father will ask Greg if he’s reconsidered. Greg has always been a bit on the shy side. And he seems to be a little intimidated about the prospect of having to serve with girls (most of the altar servers in our parish are female). So I wait and hope and pray that our Lord will change Greg’s heart. In the meantime, it’s been said that “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink……but you can salt his oats!” So if anyone has any creative ideas for oat-salting, I’m all ears!!

Posted by Walter Babetski at 12:33 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

May 5, 2004

To sleep or not to sleep...

Quoth TSO:

Frank Sinatra hated sleep and tried to get by on as little as he could. He thought of it as a mini-death.

Me 'n Frank - who'da thunk?

I realized just last week that practicing the virtues takes energy, and when I'm up after 3 hours of sleep or heading into my 25th hour awake, I don't have enough energy to behave - I'm an obnoxious short-tempered lout. O for good habits to carry me through sleeplessness with a cheerful smile on my face.

Posted by Bill White at 1:42 PM | TrackBack

April 25, 2004

On Children and Losing The Faith

The greatest fear that I have above all things is losing my daughter to the culture. I pray earnestly daily that she will come to know and love Christ and His Church. We all know this is a desperate problem. We're all aware of the countless books, tape sets, radio shows, and conferences dealing with this topic. If you’re a catholic parent, and you haven’t worried about this, then you haven’t been paying attention. It's an epidemic. Personally, I don’t want to be one of those parents who has to call into Catholic Answers pleading for advice on winning back my son or daughter.

Now I know the number one thing that I can do is live a life of virtue, pray, attend mass faithfully, and accurately instruct my children in the faith. But what are some practical ways that I can set her spiritual cultivation in motion? What family traditions or special practices can I lead my family in, in order to make sure the faith is a part of our daily lives? Some families pray the rosary together daily. Some families participate in weekly family adoration. I've heard of many special devotions shared by families around the holidays every year.

I’m asking you readers, what you do as a family in order to share and strengthen the faith of your children?

Posted by Jayson Franklin at 5:34 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

April 21, 2004

Self-Sacrifice and Workplace

Steve Bogner commented in the previous post about a manly Church and mentioned an article from Godspy, in which the author explains how self-sacrifice actually sums up the virile (and virtuous -- same latin root) qualities needed to be a man. These values that we recognize in heroes also include courage, honor, compassion, etc. The ultimate Man, being of course the Son of Man, who, though completely innocent, self-sacrifices to save the entire humanity ...

Embracing everyday our vocation as fathers is one way to apply self-sacrifice that transcends our ego for the betterment of our loved ones (see one of Bill White's earlier post ...). As a Christian father we even ought to go beyond our loved ones and do the same for people we do not necessarily love (and that's tough!), though remembering that our priority remains with the family (this is our first duty).

One understandable temptation for us men (at least for me) is to gauge the effectiveness of our self-sacrifice. In particular, going to a white collar job (where you're supposed to use only your brain cells to write reports, assess research, find new clients, ensure that your workhours are billable [lawyers and consultants], etc.) is immensely frustrating for me because the effectiveness of that self-sacrifice seems so removed from its intent (and besides, activating my brain seems to require a lot more efforts than performing actual physical work) ...

Sure, working provides the paycheck, which provides the bacon, which provides help for the family, but I am much more inspired by household chores because I see their direct impact on the household, ergo the family. On the other hand, a more mystic approach is to consider those efforts at work (mild suffering) in the intent of our vocation and thus as contributing to the Church's "reservoir" of Graces (I am venturing a theological thought here, and I won't mind if readers would want to correct it ...)

These days, I dislike very very much going to my job (understatement) because 1) I am away from the family and therefore of any direct contribution I could make for them; 2) the work activities entailed in my current job are far from inspiring; and 3) the resulting frustration experienced as a binary mode of depression and stress (further exarcebated by guilty procrastination from blogging or reading blogs for example ...) gets carried over when I get home ...

I guess, it's just a question of "just doing it", but it is easier to do it if you know that your efforts will bring out something effective or tangible like yardwork say ... When tasks are fuzzy yet the expected results from your efforts are going to be nonetheless fully scrutinized and criticized, you're not exactly inspired to fully apply yourself to the tasks at hand.

So do you just take the situation as it presents itself everyday and make the best of it (i.e., keeping a positive attitude regardless), or do you try to change it so that your efforts are more effective to your calling as a father (the latter may mean looking for a different career, etc.)? Where is one's duty? Is it important that self-sacrifice be effective in our eyes (or is that receiving our reward already)? Should we be just content to know that efforts made towards accomplishing the day as it presents itself serve nonetheless a mystic purpose (e.g., "reservoir" of Graces for the Church), even if they appear remote in their direct contribution to our vocation?

Posted by Yann the Frenchman at 9:26 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 12, 2004

Drafting Men of Faith

I just finished "how to win the culture war" by Peter Kreeft. What a great book! A manly wake-up call that defines the battle lines and how to get there by being a saint: that is not by being "nice", but to actually love. This should be required reading for all Christian fathers in this new millenium ...

There is however a question that I can't seem to get resolved: the issue of physical energy. Let me explain: I think Peter Kreeft makes a lot of sense in his last chapter when he describes that steps to sainthood requires to surrender to the Father's will by by looking Him full in the face and then to "just do it". We must ignore the "gnats" that distract us from the choice of turning our face to His (with the caveat to beware of the biggest gnat, which is pride).

This makes a lot of sense, but how do you do it when you're physically tired (which often means also intellectually tired) and that your will is weak? Jesus rebukes his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane for not staying awake and pray with him, but I sympathize with Peter and the other Apostles: I can't go on with lack of sleep for too long before I am collapsing.

How does one reconcile that with the demand of choosing to turn our face to God at all times and to then "just do it"? Where's the line, where's the extra mile, or how did the Good Samaritan know how far to help? If you're fully giving yourself to something, isn't there the risk of deserting your duty (i.e., being present to your family early, or being efficacious in your work because you got enough sleep, etc.) ? The problem can often be reduced to choosing between two goods (and one is the greater, but it takes discernment to determine which, and when I am weary I know that my intellect and will have long deserted me ...)

Does one receive the grace of not being tired when you look the Father in the face? Would it be similar to the feelings you experience when you're "in the zone", and you become oblivious of your body's needs (e.g., hunger, etc.)? How long would this last? Is it a question of focusing on just the day itself and not worry about tomorrow? It's difficult to balance that with the responsibility of fatherhood

Posted by Yann the Frenchman at 9:46 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

April 3, 2004

Off to the Shedd Aquarium and Family Meeting

My wife and I are taking the kids to the Shedd Aquarium today. The drive will be about an hour each way. We're going to have our weekly family meeting in the van on the way out. My wife and I started this meeting a few weeks ago because we both sensed that Christ was, little by little, moving out of the center of focus for our family.

I've been very busy until just recently, and I'm often getting home late. This means that family prayers end up getting prayed in a hurry. We felt that our family prayer time was also becoming too routine with the same intentions every night always ending with an Our Father, Haily Mary, and Glory be. We feel that the kids are getting very bored with this and that prayer may becoming a burden to them.

Now, I'm not saying that prayer should be entertaining; that we should bring in Bozo the clown to entertain us while praying. Rather, we decided to turn up the intensity. Rather than sitting while praying, we are now kneeling. We are also making more frequent use of quiet prayer. Sometimes the kids don't understand this, so I just explain to them that prayer isn't always talking, talking, talking. Sometimes we have to be quiet and just listen. We're also trying to introduce other prayers and devotions.

So far so good, but I believe constant vigilence must be kept lest the family faith life fades. The weekly meetings are very helpful. The kids like to contribute to the discussion, and it's also a time for our family to visit.

God bless you!!!

Posted by Tom at 10:58 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack