Fathers Know Best

Assume that we are talking about a large Eastern Rite Catholic family. Several children are old enough to have moved out but one has moved back in with two children (one disabled) after a Divorce. Assume no court findings - only allegations. Assume that an allegation exists of abuse of a younger sibling by an older (not quite adult) sibling. Assume the application of the term "should have known, should have prevented". Assume also that the family is larger than mine and that several of the children are young (pre school). And add that some of the children are home schooled.

Here are a few comments that I wish you to ponder as Catholic men and as husbands and fathers.

"Your problem is that your family bonds are too tight"

"Abuse is learned within the family". If there is an allegation of abuse it is assumed that it was learned from the male parent.

"He was a stay at home dad when the allegation arose" Only an abuser would wish to stay at home with his children.

"Large families are by their nature abusive of the children" They cannot provide every physical 'need' that children should have.

"It will help you get custody of your children back if you divorce him." As my heading says: What is he? Chopped liver? They are their children.

"If you are given Physical Custody of the children, you may not even talk to him on the phone in the presence of the children."

"You are not to talk to him, even at church services."

"Since you do not have legal custody of the children, there is no requirement for them to go to church." They can decide for themselves when they are legal adults.

"Since the children are in the custody of Social Services their priest cannot visit them". See above.

"If you don't 'work with us' we can place you in jail like your son." A reputed response was that they should go ahead, they had already taken her children, there is nothing more that they can do to hurt her.

"You will be observed and your parenting evaluated during your visits with your children." Fewer visits as there are few 'trained observers' to do the evaluation.

I am trying to keep this vague but it is difficult. The entire process horrifies me. This is one area where aggressive actions to assume guilt make proving innocence difficult in the face of the actions that these alleged comments show being taken by Social Services.

How must the husband/father feel in this case? How wounded would any of us feel if we were excluded from the process of deciding the future of our children? How would we feel if we were told that our mere presence or our wife talking with us on the phone is damaging to our children?

Is this the fruit of No-Fault Divorce?
How would any of us feel/act if we were told that our Sacramental marriage must be ripped asunder for the right of one parent to have custody of their children to the total exclusion of the other? "What God has joined, let no man rip asunder" is what we are told in scripture.

I am old enough to remember hearing from my parents about the horror of the people in this country at hearing of similar actions in the USSR. What has changed to allow this to happen here? How deeply have we allowed the concepts of "State Socialism" to become entrenched. I fear just how easily we can be told "you no longer have legal custody of your children". I also fear the apparent lack of recourse. Most appalling to me is the lack of public scrutiny "For the sake of protecting the privacy of the children".

"Quis custodiet ipses custodies" (Who will guard the guardians?)

I do not intend this as a screed against the state. We know from much that is written what a horror abuse is. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, abuse of power.

I will emphasize the request that I started this observaton with:

PRAY for a family that the social services department of one state is trying their best to dismantle. Pray in particular that the TRUTH be brought to light. May God's light and truth shine on all who are involved in this matter. May the Holy Spirit strengthen this family in their time of travail.

Pray in particular as men for the father involved! There but for God's grace (and a possibly unfounded allegation) go we!