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April 22, 2004
Battle of Titans: Self-Sacrifice vs Self-Actualization
Continuing on the quest to "unify the theory of fatherhood", as Bill White greatly put in a comment to yesterday's post, here are some additional considerations (warning long post!):
Fatherhood entails several roles, among them being a provider to the family (I'll try to address other roles in subsequent posts). This ties back to the underlying theme of previous post(s), which is the battle between self-sacrifice and self-actualization (other terms for the latter include self-fulfilment or self-realization ...)
I would argue that this inner battle is more intensely felt by practicing catholic men born about 1965 and on. I would also venture that the questions that were raised by the feminist movement about women being confined in occupations traditionally fostered by society, did find an echo among men as well: if women could eschew their conventional roles to do other things that made them feel more fulfilled, couldn't the same principle apply as well for men?
Today's society recognizes a brilliant career, significant earnings, etc. as material evidence for accomplishment. There are no such society-recognized tangibles (i.e., having numerous kids, an obvious tangible, is actually looked down by society) to show a person's accomplishment through family care. Furthermore, raising a family appears to be at odds with the aforementioned career and earnings.
So self-fulfilment for men had to remain in the job market because of its inherent peer recognition. The loyalty of our father or grandfather to only one company throughout their work life (as a mean to bring the bacon home) has transformed into company hopping in our generation. The underlying assumption being that if the job does not satisfy you, you will not be motivated enough to apply yourself more fully to your job, which would mean a potential loss of profit for the company. Better that one be happy at work for one's emotions and for the company's profit, so goes the assumption for the pursuit of happiness ...
This is particularly strong in a country that was based and continues to value individualism. Freedom to choose rings loud for the majority of Americans ... So how do you square that with Christ's teachings on carrying your own cross, self-effacing so God can fulfill you, etc.?
At the same time, one cannot ignore the demands of today's rat race. It requires substantial amounts of money to afford housing and education for the kids. This in turn traps parents to become dual earners for the sake of reasonable quality of life for their children. However, this means that time spent with the kids (and spouse!), which is is a true indicator of a solid family, is minimal. To compensate this loss, one goes into giving a lot of stuff and is lenient in discipline (since you wouldn't want to have this precious remaining time being marred by unpleasantness for everyone, etc.). And so it goes into a negative spiral ...
Practicing Catholics have to make a radical choice (e.g., homeschooling) of being in the world and not of the world, at the risk of being mocked and called crazy. But the attachment to the world is strong, and one still hopes for a balance that does not fully require that our "yes to be yes, and no to be no". I think at heart of this problem, is a possible lack of trust that God will provide everything we need (happiness and joy included). This is especially true for people needing to have things under control for fear that the whole structure will crumble (that description unfortunately fits me to a "T" ...)
Society has become so secularist that it is harder to choose the "narrow path", since support for following it keeps declining. The jump seems more costly than it might have been for previous generations, for society seems to have cut itself from its christian roots, and has become structured in a way that makes difficult to resist the sirens of self-fulfilment.
This self-fulfilment quest probably started with the Serpent suggesting to Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil ... But God keeps His Covenant(s), and even in the desert of our lives (i.e., if we fully take the choice of carrying one's cross) we will receive manna from the Lord. Keep trust in the Lord for "if God so clothes the grass which is alive in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O men of little faith!" (Luke 12, 28)
Even though the sirens of self-actualization may make a convincing case that finding joy would further motivate you and fully enjoy this life on Earth, let us keep strong in our decision to follow the Lord. Joy and fulfilment are like the manna: if you're looking for it, you will not find it; if you're hoarding it, it will turn to ash in your mouth ...
In the end, if one does see our work as just being a provider for the family, then one avoids the angst of wondering if this was the right career for self-fulfilment. In all this let us remember to remain joyous and confident disciples. There is a saying in French: "un saint triste est un triste saint" (a saint who is sad is a sad (i.e., not great) saint). Although joy is implied to come through self-realization, if we truly forget this quest and we follow God's commands, we will receive a joyous certitude about the path chosen in our life.
Posted by Yann the Frenchman at April 22, 2004 9:59 AM
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Comments
"The loyalty of our father or grandfather to only one company throughout their work life (as a mean to bring the bacon home) has transformed into company hopping in our generation. The underlying assumption being that if the job does not satisfy you, you will not be motivated enough to apply yourself more fully to your job, which would mean a potential loss of profit for the company."
There is something to this, but I think a lot of the job hopping or company hopping has to do with the lack of loyalty that companies have towards their employees (e.g. downsizing, reorginations, etc.). Because of this, I believe many people are of the mindset that you can't be loyal to a company that isn't loyal to you.
"But the attachment to the world is strong, and one still hopes for a balance that does not fully require that our "yes to be yes, and no to be no".
I've just been punched right between the eyes. Thank you, sir. May I have another? :)
Great post, Yann. I'm glad you're aboard.
God bless!!!
Posted by: GoodForm at April 22, 2004 12:27 PM
I think this self-actualization stuff really came to the fore thanks to guys like Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers and their humanistic movement. Because it didn’t acknowledge the primacy (maybe not even the existence!) of God, the only thing to really live for was self. So everything became focused on self. It even infected so-called Catholic stuff like that Fr John Powell “Fully Alive” stuff, where he truncates the quote from St Irenaeus for his own purpose.
In PJPII’s encyclical “The Gospel of Life,” we read in n. 81 “The meaning of life is found in giving and receiving love…” The most fulfilling moments in my life have been when I gave of myself to someone, through some type of service, or teaching, or financial assistance, or just listening, or taking the time to do something that would make a lasting memory for one of my children. That’s what PJPII preaches constantly: self-giving love.
Of course, you have to prioritize your self-giving. If you go overboard, you can burn yourself out. If you don’t make your wife and children a priority of your self-giving, you’re not following God’s will to live faithfully your state in life. That’s why the first priority in your self-giving must be God himself. We need to give ourselves to God in prayer and the sacraments. The interior life…..everything else flows from it. It is necessary for us to be able to discern God’s will for us.
The worst times in my life have been when I was focused on myself. Self-centeredness causes all kinds of weaknesses and vices to appear. It strains or damages my relationships with those closest to me. Praise God for Confession!
(trying to get back to the point of this thread….)
How do I employ self-giving love in the workplace? I look upon my work as a participation in the creative work of God. I strive for excellence in my profession. I try to be compassionate, merciful and forgiving to others at work, as the opportunities present themselves. I pray for my co-workers. I look for opportunities to (appropriately) evangelize my co-workers. I lend a listening ear when someone wants to share a personal difficulty. (I don’t usually offer advice, unless it is specifically requested) Most importantly, I try to stay humble about my work. Humility, in essence, is acknowledging my total and absolute dependence on God. I do my best to trust him with everything related to my work, and all the results of it.
My work is just one of the ways in which I live out the meaning of life. Several times in my career, I’ve been passed over for promotions because I’m not seen as one of those work-a-holic guys who will sacrifice everything for the company (and believe me, I’ve put in my share of ‘overtime’ over the years).
Sorry I’ve gone on so long. Hope I made some sense. Thanks for your patience!
Posted by: walter at April 22, 2004 12:28 PM
Tom-
The "punch" you mentioned was also self-inflicted, and I am still reeling from it ... ;-)
Of course, you're also right about the disloyalty of today's companies towards their employees in their race for profit to satisfy shareholders ...
Walter-
Great, great comments ... That’s why the first priority in your self-giving must be God himself ... because then you've received enough from God to give of yourself to others! Also, thank you for the advice on the workplace. Now would you have a similar advice on how to escape from procrastination-induced lethargy? coz' brother I need it ;-)
More seriously, I think you have it right on about personal prayer. I end up getting so caught up with wordly worries that this facet of faith becomes reduced to its strict minimum, and I then become self-centered (and the rest you described in your comments).
Posted by: Yann The Frenchman at April 22, 2004 1:26 PM
Yann - Are you saying that self-sacrifice and self-actualization are mutually exclusive? In my opinion, they are not. Self-actualization doesn't mean that one can't self-sacrifice, or that one is selfish. I think that if we let self-actualization take too prominent a place in our life, then a lot of bad things do happen. Likewise, if all we do is sacrifice ourselves for everyone else, that's not good either.
Posted by: Steve Bogner at April 23, 2004 7:06 AM
"Likewise, if all we do is sacrifice ourselves for everyone else, that's not good either."
Hmmm, I'm not sure I agree here, respectfully of course. I was reading Fr. Dubay's "Fire Within" last night, and he wrote something to the effect (I can't remember the exact quote.) that true happiness is found in giving of ourselves and serving others. So it seems to follow that self-actualization will come to fruition in this way, not in actively seeking self-actualization.
Posted by: GoodForm at April 23, 2004 9:42 AM
Tom-
"So it seems to follow that self-actualization will come to fruition in this way, not in actively seeking self-actualization"
That was exactly the point of my post. I also really liked Walter's input: basically one needs to first empty one self to God (prayer), so God can fill you with what you need to self-give to others.
Posted by: Yann The Frenchman at April 23, 2004 9:51 AM
I think what Tom said can be backed up by this paragraph from n. 24 of Vatican II’s Gaudium et Spes:
“Indeed, the Lord Jesus, when He prayed to the Father, "that all may be one. . . as we are one" (John 17:21-22) opened up vistas closed to human reason, for He implied a certain likeness between the union of the divine Persons, and the unity of God's sons in truth and charity. This likeness reveals that man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.”
The Blessed Trinity is our model. All they do is constantly give (and receive) love to (and from) one another. Man can only “find himself” (read that “be self-actualized”) when he imitates the Trinity and spends himself in self-giving (and receiving the self-giving from others).
As a postscript, I love the phrase above that says that Jesus “opened up vistas closed to human reason,” because guys like Maslow and Rogers relied solely on human reason. Truth is, (say the following in your best Dick Vitale imitation) you gotta be in the supernatural, baby!
Posted by: walter at April 23, 2004 1:32 PM
Excellent point Walter: and receiving the self-giving from others
and that was overlooked: in our worry that we may be giving too much of ourselves (and the worry starts because we probably have not started by giving our self to God in prayer), we end up focusing on our self (self-centeredness), and thus we are creating a barrier that prevents us from receiving the needed self-giving from others. In other words, you gotta trust that "what goes around, comes around" ...
Wow, guys thanks for your insightful comments!
Posted by: Yann The Frenchman at April 23, 2004 2:14 PM